This one may be a bit tough for me as I don't even know how to begin. As the title states, I am lost. I have completely lost my way, the future seems completely uncertain, and I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. I've lost what feels like the core of my being. Everything that I've gained, everything that I've believed is called into question. Everything that I've learned is being unlearned, everything that I've felt seems wrong, and in ways I can't explain, I feel like I'm on overload.
I'm 30 years old, soon to turn 31. It's no secret to anyone that knows me that for the past few years I've been suffering feelings of what I call "nostalgia". A longing to return to the past, to return to a simpler time. And I know that my definition of a simpler time is simply my limited view of the past. Of course 1991 would be a simpler time. I was NINE. Everything was simpler then. Nevertheless, I feel a strong pull to exist in those time periods, the late 80s, the early 90s. I even miss high school and I HATED it when I was actually going. I've been feeling strong pulls to return home, to central Iowa where I was born and raised. My mother is no longer there, but my father is. A small, barely on the map town called Lehigh. I want to visit him and then face the difficult decision on whether or not I even want to return to Nebraska.
Ever since I can remember, I have ignored the world, so to speak. I concerned myself with only my own life and my own situation. Politics bored me, and were certainly no concern of mine. After all, I was POOR. I still am, by the way. Politics only seem to effect the middle class, and the rich. It seems to me that being poor hasn't changed in 30 years, no matter who is in office. What do I care about the economy, I'm surviving on minimum wage and a small apartment. I own my own car, I don't have extended lines of credit that will be affected by new annual percentage rates. Actually at this point, I don't even have a CAR. I live in a hole in the wall hotel with my wife and two daughters (although at the time of this writing it is summer, so we have all our kids, meaning there are six people crammed into this room now). The only concern I have with the government is the little we get in food stamps (which was a pain to obtain), and the medical insurance for our two daughters (I'm apparently too rich for myself or my wife to get medical aid, and I make barely over 20K a year). But since coming to God, and as my wife continues to remind me, we must care for others in the world, rather than just ourselves.
Since that time, I've become immersed in the current events. I've witnessed things that I didn't think possible. I've seen utter chaos, hatred, and frustrating stupidity in this world. And I say it that way because all of it DOES frustrate me, even though I know it shouldn't. I've sensed a loss of patience on my part. In many aspects of my life. Christians have become a target now, and it frustrates me. I know Jesus said we would come under attack, but I suppose I didn't really understand the degree until recently. The current events surrounding homosexuals are a perfect example. I've never seen more hatred and vitriol spewed forth from the mouths of people than I have from watching these debates. The minute a christian puts in his veiwpoint, he is slandered, called vile names and threatened with bodily harm and death. Interesting how I have to accept THEIR veiws and beliefs, but mine are not to be tolerated. And I'M the hate-spewing intolerant bigot? There are things that are not helping our cause. Westboro Baptist Church, for instance, an institution that only furthers the stereotype that Christians hate PEOPLE and not the SINS they do. I've also seen random "Christians" spouting off death threats to anyone slandering the name of Jesus. Real helpful there guys, thanks. They take everything we have to say and twist it into some meaningless nonsense. We ask what's next? Incest? Bestiality? How long before those become acceptable in society? The Bible is apparently just some archaic rule book that we no longer need to follow because it's 2013!!! Get with the times, move forward!! I get frustrated with the churches allowing homosexual clergymen, or even the gay Christian movement, manipulating Bible passages so that Jesus supposedly blessed gay relationships, and even proclaimed that gays really CAN be born that way. I believe it was Luke 7:1 - 10 which is used to claim that Jesus blessed a gay relationship. Apparently a man can't have a favorite servant, or have a close relationship with one without it being gay. And even if those two WERE gay, I didn't see Jesus ANYWHERE in that passage give a blessing toward a gay couple. I saw Him answer a prayer for healing, and He answered it, most likely for the same reason He performed ALL His miracles. So that people would look upon Him and believe, follow the Lord and be SAVED. Matthew 19 is used too when the Jews ask Jesus about marriage and divorce. The word Eunuch is apparently translated to mean GAY. We're really grasping at straws now. Eunuch is a castrated or impotent male, NOT a homosexual. Jesus was referring to certain men who would not be called to marry. Some men are born impotent (they can't reproduce, or are missing certain parts of anatomy), some men are purposefully made impotent by others (they are castrated for punishment or some other matter), and others make themselves impotent to serve the Lord (men who castrate themselves and swear off marraige to better follow God such as monks). He was NOT talking about homosexuals. Do I think that Jesus hated homosexuals? Not at ALL. Jesus, like God, hated the SIN of homosexuality, NOT the homosexual him/herself. And yet, NO one will listen to this. We'll listen to "progressive" Christianity, but not TRUE Christianity. And it FRUSTRATES me to no end. I don't know how to DEAL with it. I see hatred spewed from the mouths of these people, I mean REAL violent hatred, and it is STAGGERING. In fact, during the gay debate I saw more hatred from the HETEROSEXUALS than I did the gays. I saw only selfishness from gays, they wanted DOMA dissolved NOW, forget everything else, including natural disasters and the Boston bombing, we want to get married so we can get our benefits, because it's truly about "love" (money). And this is a group I want to support? 110 people die in hurricane Sandy and I'm supposed to be worried about whether or not gays can get married? And yet they somehow gathered a LEGION of supporters from even NON gays. How? How? How? I don't UNDERSTAND this. And I can't! It's all about the "love" and yet all I'm seeing is hate? And if it IS all about the "love" they why is bestiality or incest such a stretch? I mean those are condemned in the Bible, but it's so archaic and we need to move with the times, so why are we picking and choosing certain commandments that we'll follow huh? So that we can move with the TIMES? Because it's 2013??? What if I just plain "love" my dog and I want to be with her forever? And THEN, it'll be homosexual bestiality. I can marry my dog, but the NEW DOMA prevents me from marrying my dog if it is of the same sex as me. Then homosexual bestiality couples will have to fight for their right to get married. I just want to scream. Right now, non-believers want me to hang for this blog post right here. They think I'm insane. Perhaps I am. But it's truly all about the "love" right? Don't squash the "love".
The Boston bombing. Two Russian muslim kids set off some bombs at the marathon and are relentlessly pursued by police and federal agents. One of them is killed. Shot and beaten from the looks of his body. But is that punishment enough? Nope. "Drag his body through the streets". Really? He's DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. He's DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. Nothing more can be DONE TO HIM. Do you understand what the word DEAD means? It means he's GONE. No longer in this world. You can no longer harm him, or punish him. He is in God's hands now, and I can assure you that God will punish FAR worse than you people ever could, IF He wanted to. I mean, come ON. This makes me angry even WRITING about it. And then the boy's poor mother, requested the body be given to her so she could give him a burial. Nope. No way, lady. Can't be doing something incredibly STUPID like that could we? Nope, we want to keep the body for absoloutely no reason other than the fact that he did something to us and we have to punish everyone and everything even close to him. Perhaps we can kill him AGAIN. Perhaps if we drag him through the streets, it will somehow make him more DEAD. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't one of the tenents of the whole Muslim faith dying while killing an infidel? I mean, isn't giving them death the reward? That's the whole plan isn't it? Die, go to heaven, greeted by 70 virgins? Wouldn't a better punishment be NOT killing them? Besides, it seems like killing them has REALLY made them think twice about attacking us. REALLY seems to be keeping them in check doesn't it?
A former CIA contractor named Snowden blew the whistle on government spy programs among other things recently. We already knew most of this stuff, but it's another thing entirely to have it actually proven. I like that even though we now KNOW that the government knows what we text, email, google search, and buy on amazon.com, the majority of this country still consider him a traitor and want the WORST things possible done to him. Really? He didn't commit espionage. He didn't SELL these secrets, and he didn't give them to other countries. He told us our own secrets. He told the truth, and he most likely will die for it. But that's not enough is it? No, we want to see him hang by his neck while he's gutted like a deer and castrated with a fishing knife. Because THAT'S justice. Among other things on his list of secrets, the drone strikes, and possibly HAARP manipulation of the weather. The government controlling our weather. I'm not so sure I buy into that one, but there IS compelling evidence to suggest it's true. If nothing else, the experiments are at least HELPING to further the degredation of our ionosphere and contribute to further global warming and climate change. Mind control with HAARP? Doubtful, but who know? I mean, Obama made it into a second term didn't he? And he's somehow managed to amass a HUGE following of WORSHIPPERS that just think he's the greatest thing since sliced BREAD. What else BUT mind control could account for this STAGGERING chain of events? I saw on his facebook page the other day, someone commented "3rd term for Obama!!". Are you KIDDING me? You want ANOTHER term? Mind Control, it's the only freaking ANSWER. However, just considering the government controlling our minds AND the weather, is something that makes me want to take a pencil and jam it into my eye. In other words, it could drive a man insane.
Which is why I don't like to think about it. I spent my entire life ignoring the news, ignoring politics, ignoring current events, and ignoring the world. I was a hermit. I lived my quiet little life, bothered no one and was bothered by no one. And just within the last year or so, I've seen my quiet little world blow up into the real one. And it is filled with hatred that I cannot even DEFINE as anything other than evil. And I don't know how to cope with it. I can't filter or process it. It only upsets me, it only frustrates me, and it only makes me angry, and dare I say it... it makes me hate people.
I guess what I'm really looking for here, is prayer. I need help. God has shown me all this and He knew what it would do for me, and I know that it is conditioning me for something, but it has affected me in SO many ways, changed me in ways I couldn't predict, and I just want to be ME again. I want to be able smile again, without it being strained. I want to find joy in waking up again without worry for the world I'm going to step out into. I see all this happening, and I feel helpless to fight it. God, teach me patience. Teach my compassion, teach me to see beyond the hatred I feel welling up in my heart. Your infinite patience and love is something that continually keeps me in awe of You. I can't even FATHOM what keeps You patient with us, Lord. Any fellow Christians that read this, please lend me a prayer. Help me become more than I am now. I cannot stand these feelings. Help me find the calm within. I pray to you, Lord. Amen.